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Welcome to the Nerd Squad! Dating Service, powered by Fritz the Pimpmaster himself! Here at Nerd Squad! we know how busy your
life can get being a nerd, what with studying and Dungeons and Dragons and getting shoved in lockers and all. It can be downright
impossible to find time for anything else, least of all love. That's why, with Fritz's help, we've created a great service
to help you meet members of the opposite sex who will not regurgitate at your very sight! Our service is free and easy, and
will not leave you crying in the corner of your room with the lights out and touching yourself, which is all too often the
case for nerds who try the whole romance thing on their own. Don't be shy, try us today!
Thanks to Fritz, nerds everywhere will have a chance to find that special someone.
"I guarantee it!"
Name: Ken Westervelt aka the "New World Man"
Height: 5'8"
Weight: 110lbs
Hair: Black
Eyes: Black
Description: Ken is a placid guy from the muddy banks of Wishka. Squeeky clean, but with a deep dark psychology about
him. Having been described as the "stalker type" by past girlfriends (who all have mysteriously dissapeared), Ken
is one of those people with an inexplicable tendancy to end up in the exact same places as you at the same times. Known for
his rare but deadly violet outbreaks and deep fascination with death. Once killed a server at an Outback Steakhouse with a
ballpoint pen because his steak "wasn't dead enough."
Hobbies: Dining out, sneaking in morgues after hours, caring for his pet snake "Diablo", reading coroner's reports,
wearing t-shirts with his favorite words on them, and jousting.
Name: Gnarly Pete
Height: 5'11"
Weight: a whopping 130lbs!
Description: The badboy of the Nerd Squad, Pete has a motorcycle! He won it in a bet with Steve-O that he could drink
more hairspray than him and not pass out. That bet cost Pete the majority of his brain cells, but hey, now he has a motorcycle!
Hobbies: Making foolish bets with ill-witted opponents, drinking hairspay as a means of intoxication, riding his motorcycle
through the car wash, picking up chicks with his badboy appeal, and combing his monster of a mullet.
Name: Kelly Jenkins
Height: 6'2"
Weight: 155lbs (on a good day)
Description: This is Kelly. She is the group stalker of the Nerd Squad. She goes after every guy she sees with a high
school education. Known for sitting outside guys' windows and watching them sleep. As of right now she has the most restraining
orders put out on her of our entire group.
Hobbies: Stalking men, sneaking into their house, stealing their clothes and wearing them, Caligraphy.
Name: Maniacal Phil
Height: 5'11"
Weight:152lbs
Description: Meet maniacal Phil. He's, well, maniacal (just look at him!). A proud paranoid schitzophrenic, Phil has been
plotting for world domination since he was 8 years old. So far all he has managed to accomplish is hijacking the airwaves
of WDSO for a brief stint of 2 hours. In that time he played nothing but Barry Manilow in an attempt to make all of Chesterton
go insane. Then he realized that nobody listens to WDSO except the already mentally unstable, so he went home. Oh, but he'll
do it someday, the world will be his. Bwa-ha-ha-ha-haa.....
Hobbies: plotting world domination, smoking Marlboro cigarettes, not taking his medication, filling Evian water bottles
with vodka and drinking them in public, sitting in the local coffee shop looking maniacal, gardening.
Name: Jake Possin- aka Mr .Jones
Height:5'9"
Weight:130lbs
Description: Jake Possin- aka Jakey Jake- aka Mr. Jones is a man of many aliases and many personalities. A master of disguise,
he is pictured here as the guy in the side mirror of a Ford Bronco. An avid believer in witchcraft, the Jakemeister actually
had his picture taken this way because he adheres to the ancient voodo belief that if you take his picture also you take his
soul, though you'll never get him to admit it.
Hobbies: Making rodent sacrafices to various dieties in his dad's shed, smoking inscence in his room, driving around the
CHS parking lot in his Bronco honking at hot girls, reading Stephen King novels.
Name: Henery Holbrooke
Height:5'8"
Weight: a hefty 210lbs
Description: Henery here is a computer technician straight out of PNC. He spends all day and most of the night at his
computer looking at websites and posting inflammatory remarks on other people's weblogs. He was the the head of the NS!'s
Operation Nothing Better To Do, where we shut down the power to much of the north eastern United States in the summer of '03,
still the latest but greatest April Fool's Day prank of all time.
Hobbies: Spending days on end at his computer, telling people he graduated from Purdue University, hanging out at the
chic downtown lounge club "The Dining Room".
Name: Carla Bennet
Height: 6'6"
Weight: 167lbs
Description: This is Carla. Carla makes her living working at Best Buy. She specializes in mouseball repair, the fastest
growing market in the computer business. She enjoys drinking boxed wine straight from the box, and is the holder of the Guiness
World Record for the most cats owned by any woman on earth (3,871!).
Hobbies: Fixing mouseballs, knitting various winter garments for all of her cats, drinking her nightly box of wine while
watching soap operas and reading romance novels.
Name: Luc Schvantz
Height: 6'1"
Weight: 142lbs
Description: Here's Luc, peeking out from behind his bedroom door. He's a shy little guy who likes long walks on the beach
and watching scrambled porn on the illegal cable he gets in his room. Deathly afraid of the opposite sex, Luc rarely leaves
the house except for the occasional Star Trek convention. Was once caught sneaking into the girls' showers at school disguised
as a woman.
Hobbies: Scrambled porn, internet porn, magazine porn, just about any type of porn, and collecting Star Trek memorbilia.
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